The Grass is Always Greener . . .

Mom: "So since they can't have another baby, they're going to find a mom and dad who can't take care of their baby and adopt the baby. Then the new baby will be part of their family."

Talmage: "So the new baby has a new mom and dad? That's adopt?"

Mom: "Yes, that's what it means to adopt."

Talmage: "Mom, I want you to adopt me to someone else."

Mom: "You want a new mom?"

Talmage: "Yes, I want a new mom."

Mom: "But I still want to be your mom."

Talmage: "That's okay. You can still be Asher's mom. I want a new mom and dad."

Mom: "Whose mom and dad were you thinking?"

Talmage: "Maybe Jonah's mom and dad. They have a Wii. Or Bryson's mom and dad have a Wii and lots of games. And Bryson gets to play it all the time. They don't even have screen time. Or Jacob's mom and dad. They give him $2.00 every Sunday."

As Seen on TV

Due to my refusal to pay a cable bill and the digital revolution's inability to provide all it promised, we don't really watch TV all that often. You can only wait so many weeks for The Office to come on and only receive digital static before you give up on watching primetime all together. This has had two effects in our family: 1) Tyler and I watch all our TV on DVD, viewing entire seasons of shows in one go (counting down to the September 20 for season 2 of Modern Family), and 2) Talmage views his TV through titles checked out from the Salt Lake County Library system.

I laid down a blanket policy that he could check out any title from the library, which I envisioned would cover Curious George, Arthur, and Bill Nye the Science Guy. I was aware that this leniency might extend to Barney and Ruff Ruffman, unfortunate side effects that I was willing to swallow. However, Talmage promptly discovered Pokemon and dedicated his one video per library visit to watching the entire original Pokemon, Pokemon: Johto Journey, Pokemon Johto League Champions, Pokemon: Master Quest, and Pokemon: Advanced Battles series. This unfortunate side effect was tougher to stomach. Even more unfortunate is the fact that I can sing the theme song from every Pokemon manifestation.

Talmage has mostly grown out of his Pokemon obsession, largely because he now dedicates his screen time to video game playing. However, we've been on several trips recently, and Talmage has discovered the wonderful world of television where five-year-old boys are the target audience. And I don't know if you remember, but the commercials aimed at kids are VERY exciting. Especially for Talmage, the one five-year-old boy whose parents' sheltering TV ways have left him unfamiliar with Hasbro marketing. The camera angles! The sound effects! The colorful packaging! The WWF announcer! Talmage eats it up. There have been at least 10 things rotating on his September birthday wish list, ranging from an airplane mounted with a video camera to Barbie's play-doh palace. Fortunately, he typically forgets about all these things once the commercial ends.

However, last Saturday our digital box was receiving channel five, and Talmage saw his very first infomercial. The wallet made from aluminum is designed to replace your bulky wallet and fit right in your pants pocket. Talmage was transfixed, and promptly, he became a missionary for Aluma Wallet. "Dad, you really should get this," he admonished. "You can drive over it; it can even go through the washing machine, and it still works. Don't you think that's really great? It used to cost eleven dollars and ninety-nine cents, but now it only costs six dollars and ninety-nine cents."

I think we need to watch more television. We owe it to Talmage's consumer awareness.

Speaking of the Debt Ceiling . . .

"Mom, how can I ever get two dollars, if every time I get ninety-nine cents I spend it?"

The Question Tal Just Asked Me

"How do you get babies, actually? How do they show up in your tummy?"

Talmage's Reaction

"What are you having--a boy or a girl?"

"What do you want me to have?"

"A girl. I want you to have a girl."

"I'm having a boy."

"DANG IT!!"

"If You Were a Mouse, the Snowflakes Would be Pretty Big"

The title of Talmage's latest book, to be self-published in the upcoming months. Look for it on best-seller lists.

For Those Of You Who Know Him

Talmage just asked me how to spell "keef." I regretted to inform him that the word is actually "if." I can only imagine he'll be similarly disappointed when he realizes the truth about the Easter Bunny.

Mother's Day Recap

"Talmage, it's Mother's Day. Do you think you could use nice words when you speak to me?"

"Mom, I'm already getting you two things for Mother's Day. That's enough."

Talmage's Proposal

"Hey Aunt Missa? Maybe if you were a little girl and if you weren't already married to Uncle Luke, maybe we could get married."

Writing My Weekly Blog Entry. Also, My House is Clean. Don't Ask About the Other Goals.

Talmage has never really liked music. This was a little heartbreaking to me as a mother, because in addition to the few songs I made up to sing my child, I still remembered a shocking number of songs that I learned as a preschooler. I kept "Five Little Ducks" in my brain because I knew my kids would love the story as much as I did. Tal let me begin the song where the five little ducks go out to play and fewer of the ducks obey their mother and return when she calls. But he stopped me long before the twist ending when the angry Daddy duck comes out and the baby ducks run back. "Stop, mom," he'd say. "No more singing."

In fact, this post was so adorable, not because of Tal's adorable baby cheeks or backwards humongous whale, but because I think this is the first song I ever heard Talmage sing. And he sang it because it was introduced by magic Aunt Barbara, the source of all things good and wonderful.

Asher, however, does my inner thespian heart proud. Asher LOVES to sing, although he does have his preferences. I used to sing him hymns at night, until he discovered "The Wheels on the Bus" at which point the songs of the restoration got a firm veto. I'd begin, "Come, come, ye saints . . ." and Asher would demand, "BUS! BUS! BUS!" I tell you what, those wheels have been going round and round for the last nine months. He still loves the bus song, but his repertoire has expanded to "Miss Polly," "Pat-a-Cake," "Itsy Bitsy Spider," and, of course, "Five Little Ducks"--all songs Talmage never learned because he'd cut me off before I got through the first line.

I decided to support the little performer and signed him up for Kindermusik. Now I was a little worried, because the classes for my almost two year old cost a pretty penny. Would it be worth it? Would Asher spend the entire time running around the room, ignoring the organized activities like my older son would have at that age? Would music improve Asher's ability to think, reason, create, and express, as their website advertised? Would the German spelling of music turn my budding musician into the Mozart he promises to be?

Asher is the valedictorian of Kindermusik.

He dances around the room. He does every action to every song. He beams when they bring the bells out. He beams as he puts them away. He giggles, he laughs, he rolls, he bounces. He shines.

When we got home from the first class with our kit of take-home supplies, Talmage, Asher, and I pulled out the complimentary picture book. We curled up on the couch to look at the words where there was a line of text to be read aloud followed by a line of text to be sung. After I got through two pages with Asher trying to sing every third word, Talmage turned to me and asked, "Mom, can you stop doing the singing parts?"

He's in the Hospital for Blood Clots. That's a Whole Different Entry, Though.

Talmage: Mom, can we visit Papa in the hospital today?

Mom: You know, buddy? That's very sweet of you, but I don't think we have time today.

Talmage: What if we just run in and Asher and I each get one piece of licorice? We'll go super fast.

Mom: I don't think that counts as visiting Papa in the hospital.

Talmage: What if we just get one piece? And Asher and I share it?

Mom: What if we don't even say hi to Papa?

Talmage: Okay. Just the licorice.

Mom: No.

So Instead of President A. Talmage Howe, Look for President Asher D. Howe Circa 2070.

Talmage has just picked up a swearing habit. He says "Oh my gosh," ONLY HE DOESN'T SAY GOSH. I'm not sure where this comes from, as neither Tyler nor I swear. I'm blaming society.

Asher, on the other hand, can accurately identify Jesus in any painting of the Savior. Even if it's a picture of Christ with the twelve apostles, he'll appropriately point to the right figure and say "Jeezzz!" I also have no idea where he learned this. But I'm pretty sure I'm going to take credit for it.

While Pondering the Sacrament . . .

"Dad, when Heavenly Father was a little boy, do you think people just called him Heaven?"

Apparently the Word "Private" Only Has One Meaning to the Four Year Old

Talmage: "Can we ever go to a naked pool?"
Mom: " . . . a what kind of pool?"
Talmage: "A naked pool. I wanted to go there but Daddy said I needed to be invited."
Mom: "Daddy wanted to take you to a naked pool?"
Talmage: "Yes, but he said we needed to be invited."
Mom: "Do you mean a private pool?"
Talmage: "Oh yeah! That's it! Can we ever go to a private pool?"

Just Three Days Later . . .

During the last twenty minutes of church, I went down to the primary room to help Talmage deliver a talk we had prepared. We wrote out his talk in picture form, so he could say a lot of it himself. However, I stood next to him ready to help if needed. He didn’t use me much, but I was glad I was there to make one important correction.

Tal’s talk was written: “When Mom and Dad decided to get married, they were excited and a little scared. Mom told Dad, ‘You’re my family.’ Dad felt really happy. That’s because the Holy Ghost was telling them that starting a family was a good thing to do. Three years later, my mom told my dad she had a baby in her tummy. When I came out, they were very happy.”

Tal actually said: “When Mom and Dad got married, they were excited and a little nervous. Mom and Dad made a family. Dad felt really happy. Three days later, my mom had a baby—it was me!”

I blushed and quickly corrected for the audience that it was actually three years later, and we did not have a shotgun wedding. The adults laughed hysterically, the kids (including Talmage) began laughing just because the adults were. It took a bit to get everyone settled down and to get Talmage back on track.

Darn kids!

But First We've Got to Swing By and Pick Up Chewbacca. He's in Roosevelt.

Before Asher was born, Tal's life was full of entertainment. Entertainment I provided. We went everywhere together--the zoo, the Children's Museum, the Planetarium--and did everything together--art projects, lunch, games. Tal's mind was booked solid, with a quick trip to see the elephants at 9:00 before we took Daddy lunch at 11:15. All before a 1:00 nap, of course.

When Asher came, Tal had to do a lot more of the entertaining. And I tell you what--he has blossomed without the stifling mental influence of the Laura Show. He now often gets lost in the world of his imagination and will randomly (without any context telling me what this means) ask me, "Mom, do you want 738 attacks or 427?"

To which I will confidently answer, "427."

Lately Tal has taken to combining all the many stories that bop around in his brain. For example, I am Leia. Talmage is Luke.* Except when I am Alfred as a sidekick to his Batman.** Most often we're stuck inside the belly of a whale.*** Sometimes we're going on a mission.**** Other times we're trying to kill Dark Vader.***** We accomplish these lofty endeavors through a variety of means. Sometimes we acquire attacks; for example, we could go to the store and buy a fast attack, a lazor beam attack, x-ray vision attack, or, my most favorite, obedience attack.****** Other times we can collect coins and 1-Ups.******* We need 1,000 of each.******* If we get caught in a battle, we loose all our coins.******** But don't worry, Han is in Washington with the Millenium Falcon.********** He can bring us more coins.

Frankly, a four-year-old boy imagination isn't that interesting to an almost 30-year-old girl. Don't tell Talmage, but I don't really want to kill Dark Vader. I'd rather read a book. All this has me longing for the Laura Show again. Do you want to go the zoo, Tal? What about an awesome painting? No? All right. How much were those Tiger Leg Attacks again?

*Star Wars--a show whose main attraction is that one of Talmage's best friends named Brady is obsessed with it. I had to cave and show it to him just so he and Brady could speak the same language.
**Batman--a show which Talmage has never seen, but from which he owns several accessories. Tyler let me know this morning that Tal learned about Alfred from him. See, Tyler was relaxing on the front porch when Talmage walked up and said with great alarm, "Dad, we need to go save the little boy lost in the forest!!" Tyler let him know that as Alfred, he mostly hung out in the batcave located conveniently right where he was sitting. "But go ahead, Batman. You and I can communicate through receivers. I'll stay here and hold down the fort."
***Yes, this is the biblical whale. You'd think this is from Veggie Tales, but its more from the song "Follow the Prophet." Tal doesn't know the words, but he comes in strong on the chorus. And by strong, I mean loud and forceful.
****I thought this was a mission like the kids in Little Einstein's go on a mission. But Alfred and Batman have to be 19 to go. And then I thought how much more fun LDS missions would be if you could kill Dark Vader instead of convert the masses. Somehow I think light sabers would add to the Church's appeal.
*****Yes, I know Darth Vader's name is actually DARTH Vader. Talmage doesn't.
******I'm pretty sure this is a cursed Pokemon reference. CURSED POKEMON.
*******Nintendo? I'm not sure, because I'm usually tutoring my nephew when Tal gets his video gaming in.
********Talmage's favorite card game is Mille Bournes. You have to get 1,000 points in that game, too.
*********I'm pretty sure the battle comes from Pokemon. CURSED POKEMON.
**********Star Wars, again. Washington is where his cousins live. We talk about Washington a lot.

A Recent Conversation on Gender Differences

Talmage: "Pink was my favorite color, except I don't like it anymore. Pink's a GIRL color."

Mom: "Oh yeah? What's your favorite color now?"

Talmage: "Purple."

Maybe After Tyler Posts Five Videos in a Row, It's Time for Laura to Write Something

Nothing makes me happier than Talmage loving Asher.

I was, well, panicked frankly about adding another child to the mix. I worried that Talmage would be jealous and angry and feel all of those feelings that What to Expect told me he would feel. I was immensely relieved when Talmage told me he wanted another baby. "How many more babies would you like?" I asked him. Talmage furrowed his brow before he suggested optimistically, "Um, twenty-one babies."

He's grown up a little, and so the number of desired babies has decreased. Talmage would now like four more babies. Besides the obvious I'm not sure I'd like to raise six children concern, this raises big problems. Namely, I'm not sure Tyler and I can name four more children. I've referenced Tyler's and my struggle with naming children here, here, and most recently here. (And if you want to know, Eva, Mae, and Catherine are now off the list.) So to resolve this issue, Talmage has decided to step up and take over naming responsibilities for the family. He's thought of a good boy name. Wintertime. If the anticipated baby is a girl? Summertime. Ooo! And he's got a great one that would work for either a girl OR a boy! Nothing. We'd like to introduce you to our baby: Nothing Wintertime Howe. (Or as the case may be, Nothing Summertime Howe.)

But, as I've noted before, no child has been conceived. Tal's a little impatient with my pace. So he's taken to giving the present members of his family alternate identities. He, for example, is Brade. Daddy is Grade. Asher is Hade. I (lucky me) am Lazorblade. These new names come with superpowers as well. I (Lazorblade) am able to break lightbulbs. And also, I have a gun.

Because Laura Needs a Little Help Getting to 10 Posts This Month

The way I see it, the iPod Touch is the absolute antithesis to those cute family-promoting Mormon commercials.

Daddy: Talmage, which do you like more: Daddy or the iPod?

Talmage: The iPod.

Daddy: Wait, I asked it wrong. If you only got to keep one, Daddy or the iPod, which would you keep?

Talmage: The iPod.

Daddy: No, wait. What if the one you didn't pick went away forever and ever, and you never saw it again? Which would you pick then: Daddy or the iPod?

Talmage: The iPod.

Daddy: Well, if I had to pick between Talmage and the iPod, I'd pick Talmage.

Talmage: I'd pick the iPod.

Wishing You a Yuletide Full of Much Jolliness and Festivity

Tyler and I have a joint goal. Collectively, we like to post 10 times each month. At the beginning of the year, we met this quota with meaty entries. Now Tyler pulls the bulk of the weight with videos, and I chime in with a one liner every week or so. But I'm not sorry. You know why?

I WAS READY FOR CHRISTMAS LAST SATURDAY.

This is incredible and a miracle akin to the immaculate conception (how's that for a holiday allusion?). I've never been ready so early. Usually I wrap the last gift at midnight, Christmas Eve, which is technically after the festivities begin. The downside of this is that I am SO ready for Christmas to begin, as it was scheduled to arrive when I was ready for Christmas--last Saturday, Laura Standard Time. The upside of this? I AM SO READY FOR CHRISTMAS TO BEGIN!!!!! (yes all of these exclamation points are necessary, because what's more worthy of exclame than Christmas?)!!!!!!!!!!!

Talmage is asking for dot art for Christmas. Dot art is the name I made up for Perler Beads, the craft sensation Talmage saw at his Washington cousins' house. Talmage saw them at Micheals and asked for them. I pulled an old classic "Maybe you should ask for those at Christmas." Now so you understand, I heard this refrain from my own dear mother roughly 1,076 times each year from June 25 to December 25. "Mom, can I have a piece of gum?" I'd try. "Maybe you should ask for one for Christmas." "Mom, can I have a drink of water?" Maybe you should ask for one for Christmas." "Mom, what are we having for dinner tonight?" "Maybe you should ask for one for Christmas." The other half of the year (December 26 to June 24) was the build up to my birthday, and so I heard another 1,076 times "Maybe you should ask for that for your birthday." You get the picture.

I never felt pacified by this response, so I don't know why I felt like saying that to my son was a solution, except maybe I knew somewhere intuitively underneath because Talmage took my response literally. "Okay," he said. And from then on, those Perler Beads are what he was asking for for Christmas. Only I didn't realize how important those beads and his childlike naivete were to him until we were on our way to talk to Santa and he adorably turned to me and said, "What are those called that I want for Christmas?" I hadn't bothered to remember, so I scrambled and came up with Dot Art.

We went to see Santa at the Gateway Mall, just downstairs from the Children's Museum, a venue we regularly attend. I glimpsed the red suit on the bottom floor and asked Talmage, "Do you want to go see Santa?" "Talmage got a big grin on his face and we made our way down. I don't know if Santa was on a break or what, but we were the only people there. "We'd like to see Santa," I said brightly. "All right, come here kid," Santa replied. KID. That's what he called him. Talmage sat on his lap and told him confidently that he wanted Dot Art. "Dot Art?" Santa sneered. "What's that?" I don't know how you feel about it, but somewhere in Santa Claus training, it should be noted that you don't ask a nervous four-year-old to explain their gift. After Talmage did his best, Santa unceremoniously plopped him on the ground and sent him on his way. "Hey wait!" he called him back. He waved a broken candy cane in his direction which Talmage shyly accepted and ran back to me.

"Was that the REAL Santa Claus?" Talmage asked me. "No," I frankly replied. "That was one of his helpers." Judge me if you want, but I wasn't having a Santa so lacking in jolliness and festivity becoming Talmage's iconic vision of Santa.

But I'll tell you what is filled with jolliness and festivity. The "Where's My Stuff" button on amazon.com. I did all of my Christmas shopping online this year and Amazon provided me with the option of watching every step of the UPS shipping journey across the country. December 10, 08:03:00 PM, the Perler Beads were in Doraville, Georgia. December 11, 07:25:00 AM, the Perler Beads arrived in Nashville, Tennesee. By 01:42:00 PM, they had made their way to Louisville, Kentucky. And after stops in Indianapolis, Indiana; Hodgkins, Illinois; and Commerce City, Colorado, Christmas arrived on Nana's front door step on December 17 at 10:19:00 AM. I tell you what, I checked the progress of that delivery 17 times on its way. It was just like the North American Aerospace's Defense Command's Santa Tracker which uses "four high-tech systems to track Santa – radar, satellites, Santa Cams and fighter jets" who get to fly "alongside Santa and his famous reindeer: Dasher, Dancer, Prancer, Vixen, Comet, Cupid, Donner, Blitzen and, of course, Rudolph" and broadcast Santa's exact whereabouts at all times for children watching on the internet.



And I'll tell you who those fighter jets will be flying alongside this year: the ultimate icon in Perler Bead cheer.



Maybe you should ask for one for Christmas.